Travel Ban on Earthlings in Force – White House Vows Secret Retaliation

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On March 1, amateur astronomers at Chabot Observatory were the first to observe a strange phenomenon in the night sky. Thinking at first that it was a strangely elongated Aurora Borealis displaced in space and time, astronomers with the Hubble Telescope turned back toward the Earth have confirmed that it is a 250.000 mile long strand of yellow “crime scene” tape stretching around the earth.

Two weeks later the few people with antennae on their televisions and radios began reporting that the anti-leaders of Mars, representatives of the Intergalactic League of Peace and Freedom, had announced a quarantine of Earth. All Earthicans were forbidden from leaving the planet and emigrating to any other celestial body. Those people who get their news from the internet were left ignorant.

The Spokescouncil for the super cluster on Alpha Centauri consensed that Earthicans are destroying their own planet and must not be allowed to defile the beautiful canals of Mars.

“This decision will remain in effect for at least the next 40,000 years,” said 3CPO, spokesrobot for the AC system. He noted that 40,000 years is also the length of time it would take a vessel to journey to the Alpha Centauri system traveling at near relativistic speeds, “but that is completely coincidental.”

Satellites watching the moon observed that the American flag placed on the moon by the first astronauts appears to have been burned. The White House promptly introduced a bill imposing “the worstest penalties” for flag-burning by aliens, according to press spokesman Melissa McCarthy.

“We’ve got a secret plan,” the President concurred. “It’ll be great. Believe me.”

Author: lagai

LAGAI-Queer Insurrection is one of the oldest radical queer liberation groups in the U.S. We publish UltraViolet, a more or less bimonthly newspaper, which is mailed free of charge to over 1500 people, including over 800 prisoners. Our website is

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