Sixty members of the House GOP caucus today unveiled legislation to counter what they describe as an epidemic of anti-billionaire rhetoric. The twenty men, led by Representative Stu Pid Hedd, who puts his net worth at $20 billion (though his tax returns claim $4 million) are cosponsors of the Freedom of Unbridled Consumption and Kissing Act of 2018.
“The time has come,” said Hedd, “to confront this scourge on our country.” He played a video showing masked teenagers chanting, “Eat the Rich,” along with pictures from a recent San Francisco demonstration at which protesters projected “Queers Hate Techies” on a condo, as evidence of a rash of hate crimes against Wealthy Americans.
“And then there’s the weaponized #MeToo thing,” he said. “Whatever happened to droit du seigneur?” Droit de seigneur refers to the right of noblemen to deflower any virgin of lower class.
Representative Lothario Valentino concurred. “Girls used to know that copping a feel was a compliment,” he complained. “Now they use it to shake you down. It has to stop.”
In a related development, a group calling itself Friends of Brett announced the Billionaires Overcoming Overconfidence Fund (BOOF) to raise money for embattled billionaires’ legal fees. To contribute to their GoFundMe visit GoFundMe.com/boofers. The first 200 contributors will receive an autographed picture of a billionaire’s penis.