Great Day in the Mornin’! Biden Saves America!

The endangered monarch butterflies are back in Washington DC. The calla lilies are in bloom again. The cherry blossoms will bloom early and last all year. Recently silent songbirds have been practicing their chorales.

Joseph R. Biden, Jr., the 78-year-old former also-ran who sometimes has trouble remembering what century he’s in (or at least how he’s supposed to act in it), has emerged as the most unlikely emblem of this most bizarre year in our nation’s history.

“He is,” intoned Cardinal Wilting Gentry of Washington, “the Second Coming of the Messiah.”

Forestalling objections from those who pointed out troubling elements of the president-elect’s past, from his handling of Professor Anita Hill’s testimony against Justice Clarence Thomas, to his authorship of the 1994 Mass Incarceration Act, the cardinal insisted, “God moves in mysterious ways.”

A tree then moved abruptly into Wilting’s path and he fell prostrate to the pavement. Undeterred, he pointed to three signs from above indicating that the new administration has God’s blessing:

— The convergence of Jupiter and Saturn came and went without any suicide cults popping up;

— Jeff Bezos nearly doubled his wealth in the last seven months, from a barely-making-it $113 billion to a pretty respectable $203 billion. “Some might say this has to do with Amazon’s domination of the on-demand delivery market during shelter-in-place,” Wilting acknowledged. “But his fortunes began to climb in March, just as Biden rose from the ashes. Coincidence? I think not!”

— Antacids, such as Tums and Pepcid have disappeared from pharmacy shelves. “That proves that anxiety is in the past,” Wilting said. “Hindsight is about to be 2020.”

To prove the last point, the president-elect turned his trademark prescription sunglasses around to the back of his head.

Economist Melting Freedom stepped forward and whispered into the cardinal’s ear, but Wilting waved him aside brusquely. “Stop calling me ‘de-manned,’” the cardinal said, adjusting his frock. “You don’t get to be anti-gay. That’s my job.”

Author: lagai

LAGAI-Queer Insurrection is one of the oldest radical queer liberation groups in the U.S. We publish UltraViolet, a more or less bimonthly newspaper, which is mailed free of charge to over 1500 people, including over 800 prisoners. Our website is

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