What Did They Really Say?

photo illustration

March 7, 2021, San Francisco–Late tonight, UltraViolet editor Golden Chalice received an urgent call on their cellphone.

“Hi, Chal, this is Meg,” said the breathy voice. “I need your help. Meet me at the coops at dawn.”

Initially, Chalice was confused, thinking that Princess Meghan was referring to the Coops in the Bronx, officially known as the United Workers Cooperative Colony, built by Jewish Communists in the twenties.

“How will I get there in just four hours?” Chalice moaned. “The Concorde is not running any more.”

However, Meghan qualified that she was referring to the chicken coops at her home in Montecito, California, a mere one-hour ride, though Chalice had to take a B number on Southwest. At the rendezvous, amidst the squawking of waking roosters, Meghan revealed that Oprah Winfrey had reneged on a promise to air the full interview with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, omitting the most explosive portion for fear of being permanently shunned by the royal family.

“Harry is now Harriet,” Meghan announced. “She’s no longer a prince, but wants to be a Queen.” She clarified that there is no connection to Freddy Mercury but mentioned that the former royal son has been getting some makeup tips from Laverne Cox.

“I thought Oprah was the one person in this country we could trust,” Meghan said, sobbing on Chalice’s flannel shoulder. “But I see I was wrong. I’ve lost Obi Wan’s phone number. You’re my only hope.”

She explained that she landed on UltraViolet after visiting the Santa Barbara County library, which happens to have a complete archive of UltraViolet, going back to the 1997 cover exclusive, “Diana Not Dead, Caught in Love Nest with Riot Grrrrl.”

LAGAI-Queer Insurrection, publisher of UltraViolet, is pleased to welcome Meghan and Harriet as junior members, subsequent to their successful completion of our line study (the only correct lines are bent!). Look for their column, “The Royal Whee!” debuting in our next issue.

Author: lagai

LAGAI-Queer Insurrection is one of the oldest radical queer liberation groups in the U.S. We publish UltraViolet, a more or less bimonthly newspaper, which is mailed free of charge to over 1500 people, including over 800 prisoners. Our website is www.lagai.org.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: